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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is?
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.