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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
People with multiple personalities should donate one of them to people who don’t have one.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
After socializing and being nice to people all day it`s nice to sit down, drink by myself, and be an a$$hole on the Internet.