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I wrote you this love poem: Here, just take my credit card.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches