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I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
My brain has too many tabs open.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"