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Who says nothing is impossible. I´ve been doing nothing for years.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
I was just thinking, which is the biggest thing I plan on accomplishing today.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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