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Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.