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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
What`s it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it`s only for booze?
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Do they have to play movies so loud at the theatre? I litterally have to scream into my phone.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.