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Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
just wanted to tell the weekend that I love you and I will be back, I will not let the weekdays take me away from you.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I dont pay for cabs if Iām too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.