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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
I like people... From a distance.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
When I get to heaven, the first question I`m asking God is, why does my butt have more hair than my head?
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."