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I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs