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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Today`s Facebook forecast: Partly boring, increased drama, and a really good chance of bullsh*t.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Facebook where I am surrounded with people but still no one can see me biting my toe nails or picking my nose :-D
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF