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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
I like it when everyone posts on Facebook what they are cooking for diner...it makes my decision on who to drop in on so much easier.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.