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A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
One day, I`m gonna wait for the Wal-Mart greeter to go on a bathroom break, step in their place, and begin welcoming everyone to K-mart.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is "I can post that"
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.