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"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
I don`t always say `oops`, but when I do, it`s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Curious that it`s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.