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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Dear Mother Nature, I would like to cancel my monthly subscription please… Urs Sincerely, 100% OF ALL WOMEN IN THE WORLD!
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
Next time I`m on an elevator with four or more strangers, I`m going to turn around and say, "I`m sure you`re wondering why I`ve gathered you all here."