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If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours