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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
What if Egyptians actually had a written language, then started using emojis, and that’s all that’s left?
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
A friend of mine told me i have to update my self and I asked my self : does he mean there can be a latest version of me?