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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Answering my phone and saying... FBI fraud division. Has really cut down on the telemarketers.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.