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I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
If Trump wins I`m leaving the country. If Hillary wins I`m leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.