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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
Ever seen a person so disgusting you hold your breath when you walk by them? Yea I have.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha Iām so sorry. No Iām not.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
What is it about a car that makes people think we can`t see them pick their nose?
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.