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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
My mom told me to follow my dreams. So I took a nap.
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores