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Just tried to pay for my McDonalds with a hug, it didn`t work. Don`t believe the rumors.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Start each day with a positive thought like, "I can go back to bed in about 17 short hours."
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.