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We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven`t even seen me in bed yet.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
Sometimes my sarcasm is so intense that even I’m not sure if I’m kidding or not.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.