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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Attention fuels immaturity
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
Don`t ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they`re fake or real?
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
So Apple is gonna buy Beats by Dr. Dre... I guess "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" doesn`t apply to technology?
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.