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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
I can’t decide if the drinks are too weak or if my tolerance is too strong.