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when she says "size doesn`t matter" what she really means is "I have been disappointed before." :)
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You know what tastes better than one taco? Two tacos!
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
I tried kickboxing, but I couldn`t get the hang of walking with boxing gloves on my feet.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.