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I have thought a lot about it and I am thrilled to announce that I have decided to never die.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.......
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
I can`t believe that it`s the year 2012, and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Lazy Rule#15325434090371466: you`re so lazy you didn`t even finish reading the number.
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?