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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said `This dumbass put my cape on backwards.`
The amount of times I`ve had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.