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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
If the customer is always right, then why isn’t anything for free?
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.