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It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.