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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
My bank lets me send a text message and it will text back with my balance. Its a cool feature but I didn`t think the LOL was necessary.
I hate people who take drugs......like the police.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.