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If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
I`ve created a shoe made out of Legos, so when you step on Lego it doesn`t hurt. You just get taller.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
I`m too lazy to be a stalker. You`ll have to come here. Bring coffee.
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?