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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
You`re not the sharpest knife in my back.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.