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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Netflix is soo much better than going out and pretending to like people.
Please don`t post pictures of cats on my FB wall. I am allergic.
Figure it out people. It’s a 4-way stop sign not a woman.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.