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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
It’s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.