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Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
If you are not sweating while doing it...then you are doing it wrong.
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.