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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
my neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dog all the time?