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There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.