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Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
My neighbours diary say`s I have boundary issues.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
If you ain`t laughin, you ain`t livin!
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
Being alive is so expensive.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.