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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can`t help but think that my days around here are numbered...
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal