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Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it`s Wednesday.
You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
I bet every guy would be faithful if God took an inch off his d!ck every time he cheated...
My brain has too many tabs open.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Is food porn star a thing yet??