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It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
like this if you are against animal cruelty
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today. I sure hope they find his head.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.