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Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.