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I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.