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Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
Saying “do I smell popcorn ” right after you fart, so everyone takes in a deep breath.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
You know you should goto sleep when the sheep you`re counting start hitting the fence.