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Smooth move.........ExLax
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
The problem in general terms is that people suck.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
A sure cure for sea-sickness is to sit under a tree.