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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
Do you really have to breath that much?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"