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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
I`ve seen bride magazines but have yet to see "Eager Groom" magazines.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.