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Do you want to know Victoria`s Secret? Their lingerie doesn`t look the same on your girlfriend as it does on their models..
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.