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When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
I`m glad I`m me, I don`t think anybody else could take it.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry