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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
High-five a veteran today.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.