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I put the o in illiterate!
Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
My phone tried to autocorrect "f*cking" to "f*ck king," and I was like hell yeah I am.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn`t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn`t her grandmother.
Ever notice how many friends you have when you pull out a pack of gum?