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Cashiers are always checking me out.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
I never tell god how big my problems ,,, I tell my problems how big my god is
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
“The darndest things.” -kids
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.