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I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
According to my childhood, 1 out of 3 pigs are excellent builders.
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.