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Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
I would exercise, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
"Teeter Totter" is the silliest name for toddler catapults.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.