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This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask stupid questions.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I was all depressed last night, so I called "Lifeline". Got a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.