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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
Thanks to this huge spider web I just walked into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I`ve grown up a lot recently. For example, I used to drink beer all day and now I drink wine.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.