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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Why can`t braille just be in the shape of the letters?
Always look out for #1. Don´t step in #2 either.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
You should have seen the guy who unlocked the liquor store this morning. It was like he never saw anyone roll up a sleeping bag before.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.