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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
It`s been scientifically proven that originally there were only five fruit cakes ever made!
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
If you live up be 100, you should make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people… like claim you ate a pinecone every single day.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.