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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?