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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Netflix basically has every movie, except for the ones I actually want to watch.