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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
My mom says I`m special.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills.
My reaction to stepping in dog sh!t is identical to me logging onto Facebook