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Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Don`t waste my timeline.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.