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Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
There’s always that last setting on your windshield wipers that makes you go “damn, calm the f*ck down!”
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.