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I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Pay no attention to the device around my ankle.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.